So many things have happened in the past four months.
I don't deny the negative labels that the outside world has given me, but it's been almost six years and I've been holding it in all this time. Maybe I've even made myself sick, but I can't do anything. I'm gradually becoming lonely and living in a way that I don't want...
Some things that have happened recently have gradually worn down my willpower. The things I care about are always hard to let go of. The internet, ACG - without these two things, I might have understood myself a long time ago. My studies require me to give up these things... I can't do it, really can't do it.
If I really give them up, maybe I can get into a good university, but for myself, perhaps I won't find relief in some way.
I've been online for nearly 14 years, maybe I'm one of the first groups to spend a long time online after 2005 and 2006. I've seen a lot, learned a lot, and maybe I have to accept certain facts, like accepting the fact that I'm worthless.
I guess society doesn't need me, after all, there are so many people with better conditions and more outstanding than me, it's not my turn.
Living in this sick way until now, I should say, it's not that I'm used to this kind of life, but that I've embraced my sick self, willing to believe that my sick self is the truest self, but unconsciously conveying a different feeling to the outside world. Maybe everyone is living with a mask on.
I've filled myself with so much spiritual chicken soup, thinking I can get through it, but in the end, it's just wishful thinking.
Ah, this is so long.
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